It’s not just the dishes.
It’s remembering that the dishes have to be done before the bedtime routine, which has to start earlier if tomorrow’s a school day, and oh — the socks still aren’t dry.
If you’re nodding along, you’re probably carrying what so many of us do quietly:
The mental load.
It’s the invisible weight of keeping the household running. It doesn’t show up in your hand, but it lives in your head — in to-do lists, scheduling, planning, anticipating, managing emotions (your child’s and your partner’s), and still remembering your friend’s birthday.
It’s exhausting. And if you’re not careful, it can start to chip away at your relationship, one unspoken resentment at a time.
Let’s talk about how to talk about it — without it turning into another fight.
💡 What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load is the constant, behind-the-scenes thinking work that goes into family life.
It includes:
- Noticing the milk is running low
- Remembering the school dress-up day
- Planning meals and mentally tracking who eats what
- Being the “default” parent for forms, appointments, and sick days
The work doesn’t end — and that’s part of the problem.
What makes it harder is that it often goes unnoticed. Even by the person you love the most.
🧯 Why It Turns Into Conflict
It’s rarely just about the dishes.
It’s about feeling alone.
Unseen.
Like the glue that holds it all together — but also the only one who knows where the glue is kept.
And when you bring it up, you may hear:
- “Just ask me if you need help.”
- “I didn’t realize it was bothering you that much.”
- “You’re overthinking things.”
Those responses — even if not meant to hurt — do hurt. Because you don’t want to manage one more thing, especially not someone else’s awareness.
🗣 How to Talk About It Without Blame
The goal isn’t to shame or accuse. It’s to shift from “you never help” to “we’re both in this — and I need to be able to breathe.”
Here’s how:
1. Pick the Right Moment
Choose a time when you're not both overwhelmed. Not in the middle of bath time or a tantrum. A quiet moment — after the kids are asleep or during a walk.
2. Use “I” Statements
Speak from your experience:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I notice I’m constantly tracking everything, and it’s becoming too heavy.”
Avoid:
❌ “You never help”
✅ “I’m carrying a lot behind the scenes, and I need us to share it more.”
3. Be Specific
List examples of what the mental load looks like:
“It’s not just doing things — it’s remembering them. Like planning the birthday, keeping track of school emails, prepping snacks for therapy days. These are invisible, but they take energy.”
4. Ask for Collaboration, Not Rescue
You don’t want a hero. You want a teammate.
“I’d love if we could both take responsibility for certain areas — not just help when I ask.”
🤝 Sharing the Load = Strengthening the Bond
You’re not failing because you need help.
You’re not asking too much by wanting your partner to notice and contribute.
In fact, sharing the mental load:
- Creates deeper respect
- Models teamwork for your kids
- Builds intimacy through understanding
You’re raising a family — not managing a staff.
💛 What to Do Next
Start small. One shared calendar. One routine you both manage. One conversation about what’s actually going on behind your smile.
Let your partner in.
And if you're the partner who isn't carrying the invisible load — listen. Believe her. Don’t offer fixes right away. Ask:
“What can I take off your plate — permanently?”
Because love isn’t just in the grand gestures.
It’s in noticing, showing up, and sharing what was never meant to be carried alone.
At FluffyGlowfish, we believe that supporting parents starts with telling the truth — even when it’s messy. You’re not alone in this. And the more we talk about the things we don’t see, the more we can grow through them, together.
Kindest Regards
Samantha Joubert